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2:09 am - 01.23.2005
Well...I just got back from the movies. I watched The Phantom of the Opera with my friends. It was a very long movie, but I liked it. I love the songs...I'm weird, huh? hehe...But, apparently a new relevation has occurred tonight. My own mother did not call me at all! Well, I told her that I was going to the movies with my cousin because I know she wouldn't let me go if I said that I was going with my friends (even though she told me before to be honest with her, but when I was honest with her, telling her that I wanted to go see a movie with Ashley one time she wouldn't let me) so she did not call me until like after midnight. It just shocked me because usually before she leaves for work, she would call me to make sure where I am and if I'm coming home soon, but she didn't. But it's all good though, I guess she's kinda getting the hint. I mean that she gets that she doesn't need to check up on me all the frikin' time since it bugs the hell out of me like no other! It just surprised me when I got home to find my house empty even my grandma gone, that no one called me and that my room was untouched since everyone would go inside my room to check if I'm there or not. Well, today was a busy day since I woke up really early to go to practice then straight to work...no time for rest. I love the weekends...you know why? Since it's the only time that I don't get to be around McQueen people (my high school peers). It's my time for myself. My getaway. And yet it's not the time for me to get away from my house. When it's the weekend, I don't think about anything else, but me and my life and I just focus on myself and nothing else. I don't have to think about anybody or anything else because I don't see or contact anybody that would remind me of all of the drama that goes on in school, but talking to my friends sometimes gets me down since they're the ones that are so school-related which makes me school-related too. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but it's just that sometimes I don't feel like hanging out with them since I just want this two short days and two peaceful nights for myself and nothing else. See, that's me. I just need time to get myself intact again and get my life together little by little. And it's taking a long time and it's takes even longer if I hang out with my friends since they're close to what I need to be getting away from. I just don't know...I just wish that I'd be stronger because I just need to be the girl that I want to be so that I can walk through the halls of my school without the caution of someone seeing me in pain. Heartbreak is easily seen and I don't want my peers to think I'm weak and naive since I've made some stupid mistakes that I promised myself not to make, but I did. I just don't want to be seen as someone as a hopeless girl in love with Soakai. Why can't Soakai be the one who's in pain for once? Maybe...he's not...and maybe...he's just not worth it anymore. I think I'm numb to it all that my love for him might be fizzling out...it's painful for me to think about that, but I'm not sure if it really is dying out, but I do know that he will never be the man I want him to be and we could never be together like we used to be. It'll just be never be the same ever again. But I'm still hoping and I still have faith, but it's hanging by a thread...I just don't want to make the same mistake again.